


Only Ever

by The_Lady_Meg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2183022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lady_Meg/pseuds/The_Lady_Meg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tag for 4.04, Metamorphosis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Ever

He was getting better. No more headaches, anyway. Ruby said that was good. Sam had always thought power was supposed to come at a price, and it doesn’t seem like he’s paying much of a price anymore. He’d like to believe that he’s paid it already, but he’s not holding out much hope on that front. For now, though, he’s exorcised a demon from an innocent man’s body, and the guy’s fine. Shaken up and going to have nightmares for the rest of his life, but he’ll be ok, and that’s what counts. Dean had told him not to forget what Dad and Dean had taught him, and saving people was right up that alley.

That mood lasted until Dean walked through the door.

“Anything you want to tell me, Sam?”

There are so many things he could say to that. How Dean had left him and didn’t have any right to judge his methods. Or that he was doing something good here. He just needs Dean to listen for one minute.

Yeah, that’ll happen. Dean’s a little too busy being pissed at Ruby. Sam’s not entirely sure what for, but Dean doesn’t seem to need much of a reason these days. It’s times like this that Sam really doesn’t buy his brother’s line about not remembering Hell.

The look Dean gives Sam as he leaves isn’t one he’s familiar with. At least not directed at him. He’s never been on the receiving end of Dean’s contempt before. He doesn’t respond when Sam calls his name.

Dean’s not there when he gets outside. Gone for a walk or a drive to cool off? Sam never heard the Impala pull up. Then again, he’d been kind of busy. Sam folds himself into his stolen car and drives back to the motel. Ruby calls when he’s pulling up. The man he pulled a demon out of is at the ER. He’s going to be fine. She asks if he needs anything else. He pretends not to know what she means and hangs up before she can start in about Dean.

The room’s empty. Dean’s gone. Again. For a moment he can barely breathe. No. Dean’s ok, he’s alive. Not in Hell anymore. He’s just angry, he’ll be back. He’ll be angry at Sam for a while but he’ll understand eventually, right? It’s not like Sam wants to do this, but it’s so much easier – better, even – than just stabbing every poor possessed bastard they come across. Would Dean have stabbed him when Meg possessed him? Probably not.  So why doesn’t everyone else get the same deal? Sam’s life isn’t worth more than anyone else’s.

It certainly wasn’t worth Dean’s.

* * *

 

He showers while waiting for Dean to get back. Tries to run through the inevitable argument in his head. Dean’s going to be a hard enough sell on this as it is, he needs to be convincing if he wants Dean to – wants Dean to what, exactly?

Sign off on it? He doesn’t need his big brother to validate all his choices.

Reassurance would be nice, but seems unlikely. Understanding seems feasible, though. He just needs Dean to understand that this is the best option they have. He can kill Lilith – for Dean – and then they can go back to being Sam and Dean again. The family business, without the Sam-is-the-Antichrist drama. That’d be good.

Dean’s still not back when he gets out of the shower. Sam sits and pretends to read until the sun comes up. Still no Dean. His book hasn’t changed page either.

He should be back by now.

Unless he’s not coming back, of course. He might be so disgusted with Sam that he can’t even stand to look at him. This might be the thing that breaks all Dean’s faith in his brother.

He’s still staring, unseeing, at the same page when Dean slams into the room. And starts packing. Sam should really have expected the punch, but it still takes him slightly by surprise. The second one doesn’t.

Dean doesn’t look angry. That’s the first thing he notices. He looks disappointed and contemptuous and disgusted. Because Sam’s not human anymore. He’s never been human, really, but Dean always seemed to want to ignore that before. Apparently he’s had a reality check from somewhere. But seriously, what else does he think Sam can do? Fly? Teleport? Make people explode by snapping his fingers? It’s just exorcising demons, for fuck’s sake.

“Slippery slope, brother.” No, not really. Where’d the self-righteousness come from? Exorcising demons was kind of their thing, right? He’s not an idiot, he’s not going to let it escalate to anything else, he just wants Lilith’s head on a plate. Or a spike. He’s not picky.

And it works! That’s the point, it works, and the people live, and the demons go back to Hell. Everyone’s happy, except Dean.

And the angels. That makes dread curl its fingers into his stomach. Why wouldn’t angels want him to exorcise demons? Admittedly his methods are… unorthodox, but it gets the job done, and the only person he’s compromising is himself. But an angel has told Dean to stop him, and Dean, the supposed non-believer, trusts this guy above anyone else. Above Sam.

Maybe Dean just needs time. There’ll be time to talk Dean around. Make him see that he can do this, that he needs to do this. Needs to kill the bitch that took his brother. This is for Dean. It was only ever for Dean.

 

 


End file.
